Interview Steven

This week we take a deeper look into the mind of site friend and excellent contributor Steven French. To date, no one has gone Turtle on us; everyone has replied brilliantly, as has Steven who is a relative newcomer to LS, but a person whose impact has already been widely appreciated.

– Could you write a story with purple or lilac as the main story line?

Sure. Whether it would be a good story is another matter entirely.

– Bubble baths…Why?

To hide one’s nethers in the unfortunate circumstances when other people have impolitely entered the bathroom (as in that episode of Friends).

– Best decade for music?

Hard to choose but formatively for me at least, it has to be the ‘70s, with Hendrix (just) at the beginning and The Clash at the end.

– Best decade for films?

Again, probably the 70s with Alien, Star Wars, The Godfather …

– What is the point of a point?

To puncture the pompous.

– ‘The Exorcist’ – Hilarious or scary?

Both. Hilarious: “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!” Scary: head twist in the original; coming down the stairs in the extended version.

– Would you ever try a cheese and jam sandwich?? (Any red jam!)

Absolutely! In Brazil they have this combo called ‘Romeo and Juliet’, where Romeo = cheese (the sharper the better) and Juliet = guava paste and honestly, it is the dog’s whatsits.

– Why?

Why not?

– Red or White?

Neither.

– What does a bird in the hand really do? (If he answers shite on your wrist, I’ll be very disappointed!)

Lay an egg?

– Best song you have heard from 1986?

Red Rain by Peter Gabriel

– Greatest 1970’s Movie

Alien (I know, I know, everyone says it’s Godfather II but for me, Alien is just iconic!)

– Trump, what does that mean?

A small fart

– What topic(s) would you not take on?

Suicide & paedophilia.

– What in your opinion is the best line you’ve written?

“But I also reckon – and I know how this will sound, really I do – that if it was some kind of thank-you, offering the person who I felt closest to a chance to escape, to step away from what her life had become, then it was a gift that came with sharp edges, because it cut Jan out of my life forever and even though I know, in my heart, that she’s better off, I really miss her and so, I’m not.”

– Would you write what you would consider shite for money?

No. But that’s easy for me to say because I have a decent pension (yay, go unions!).

– Will you ever go Woke with your writing and use pronoun / non-descript characters and explore sensitive issues in an understanding and sensitive way?

Long since gone, my friend … but sure to all of that if I think the story requires it. And I quite like introducing gender-neutral characters just to add a dash of ambiguity to the proceedings.

– Type something surprising.

Quantum physics isn’t as hard to understand as people seem to think.

– Do you see something different in a mirror that others don’t when they look at you?

An eighteen-year old wondering what the fuck happened.

– The future – Bleak or hopeful?

For us, bleak as all getout. For Planet Earth, a different state of equilibrium.

– What would you like to like as you hate that you hate it?

Say what now?! Opera I guess, if only so I could enjoy it with my Beloved.

– Records? Tapes? Or CDs?

None of the above – I download everything these days (who cares what package the music comes in as long as it gets in your earholes?!)

-What genre you don’t write in would you like to try?

Crime drama.

-Bonus question (worth double points): What percentage of their time do Dogs spend thinking about food?

On the basis of close observation of our little nutjob, I’d say around 90%, with the other 10% devoted to barking at squirrels, crows and anyone who happens to have the temerity to walk about on the other side of the garden hedge.

-Who was your English teacher and did she know about your writing ambitions.

Can’t remember and don’t care to as she more or less crushed them, leaving me vulnerable to the welcoming embrace of science.

-How long after you left school was it before you wrote anything aimed at publication

45 years.

-If you have an idea for a story in the middle of the supermarket what action do you take?

Make a note on my iPhone. Or convince myself I can remember and then inevitably forget what it was about.

-Do you find ideas come to you randomly or only when you sit down to write.

Randomly (Ms Muse is fickle as whatever …)

-Have you ever been on a writing retreat and if so how was it?

Good lord no.

– What is the worst film version of a book that you’ve seen?

The Hobbit

– What invention has been the downfall of the 20 / 21st century?

Twitter.

– How do you get kids to read?

Just don’t try. They’ll come to it eventually.

– If you had no bottle opener, how would you open a beer?

I’d try that trick of banging the top on the edge of a table. And probably ruin the table.

– How many friends and family ask how your writing is going?

Just the one, the aforementioned Beloved.

-Has anything you have written told you something about yourself you did not know (good or bad)?

Not really – at this age I figure what I don’t know about myself I probably shouldn’t.

-Do you regret having a certain item published?

Nope. Once my stories are out there, they’re off and away, living their own lives. People can read whatever they like into them, say whatever they like about them, I’ve long since moved on.

-Do you have a work that has been repeatedly rejected that still means a lot to you?

Oh yes – my little alternative reality take on Einstein playing the blues fiddle and meeting Papa Legba at the crossroads (!) has been rejected over 20 times (hard to believe, I know) but still has a place in my heart.

– What is your motto?

Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke!

– What is the thing that you genuinely don’t give a fuck about?

My hair

– What is the weirdest thing that you enjoy?

Mouth harp music played by Norwegian farmers. It’s a thing (https://thovgwetterhus.bandcamp.com/album/st-lsl-tt).

– What song are you embarrassed to like?

Ca Plan Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand

-Green or Black olives?

Not bothered; can take ‘em or leave ‘em.

– Name a book that most rave about that you hate.

Back in the day it was Starship Troopers by Robert Heinlein.

– Who was the least interesting Beatle?

It has to be Ringo, bless him.

– Name a story that you have read on this site that you wish you had written.

Honestly, and I really am not just saying this, there are so many! But I really wish I had the descriptive skills of Mick Bloor and so I’d go for his wonderful piece, The Disappearance:
https://literallystories2014.com/2023/08/18/the-disappearance-by-michael-bloor/

– What can you never have enough of?

Licorice

– What food / drink makes you grue?

Macaroni cheese

– Why do we eat a bull and not a panda?

Not so many of the latter lumbering about, I guess. And apparently they don’t taste that good either.

– Families, a blessing or a curse?

A little of column A and a little of column B.

– Sugar or salt?

I wish I could reduce my intake of both.

– Most overrated writer ever?

Martin Amis

– Would the slaughter of the British royal family generate more or less income?

Depends if its televised or not.

Steven French