Week 385 – Only Waiters Appreciate, If You Have Nothing To Write…Don’t And The Birds Will Nest Well This Year In London.

All throughout my life I have been able to give tips, whether they were wanted or not!

– Boiling water and washing powder in a burnt pot, lifts the carbon. (Now that is interesting! I mean boil the water in the pot with the washing powder. So boiling water is correct but incorrect if you think you just place boiled water in the pot without boiling it in the pot. In the name of fuck, I’ve just started and I am in ‘talking shite mode’!!!)

– Don’t be comfy when setting up to hit a golf ball, you should always feel a bit cramped.

– Burn a burn. If you burn your hand or arm, get it over the gas ring or into the oven. It hurts like a bastard but takes the continual sting away.

– Use Kitchen Roll as a plate for your sandwiches.

– Never take sugar or milk in your coffee or tea as it doesn’t matter if you run out.

– Be able to drink straight booze without a mixer – Then you can always take what is offered.

– Accept that the only time you will want to shag a second time is just before you have finished shagging the first time.

– People disappoint – Don’t let this surprise you.

– ‘If’ is one of the most destructive words in life.

– ‘If only’ is one of the worst phrases in life.

– There are certain types of people you can spot. For example, liars, paedophiles and politicians. To be fair that is only one type.

– Your own saliva can remove your own blood. (Please note, if you have lost half a gallon, trying to clean it up with a wee bit of spit won’t help in so many ways!)

– If you have a nose bleed, don’t try to clean your cream carpet up with a bit of spit as it is all blood too.

– Never be ashamed of your guilty pleasures.

– Say as is, especially about yourself. If you are a cunt, say you are a cunt. It lessens the effect when someone else calls you that.

– No matter what, everything turns to shit.

Over the years, I’ve passed these snippets of ‘wisdom’ onto many folks and do you know what, no-one appreciated them and told me I was talking a lot of shite. (I forgot that…

– Be able to accept that you are told on many an occasion that you are talking a lot of shite!)

So with all that in mind…

Sometimes having nothing to write about can inspire.

Oh and please don’t take that as a cue to send us in more ‘writer’s block’ stories – We’ve had many of them and on the whole, they are all pretty shite.

What I’m meaning is sometimes just starting to type sort of jump-starts you. If you think too deeply, looking for something, then it doesn’t happen.

When you write this way, there is something natural about it. You can explore something like loneliness or frustration in a character and from there that can develop into some sort of plot.

It’s hard to explain but when we read something that is forced, we can spot it a mile away.

You just need to consider your plot or even your character. If you have fitted the situations around a situation it becomes very contrived and unlikely. Again this can be spotted a mile away.

We need to be disciplined and ask ourselves how LIKELY the circumstances are. You can’t just say, ‘I’ve answered why he has that disease due to his trip to Jupiter so I can now concentrate on his symptoms which make him do mad things to the people that I introduce and they can have some sort of comeuppance as they will be bad people which I will point out as we go along’ – That is all forced. (Although it may make a romance as good as they get!)

Maybe when dealing with this, the best idea is if you can’t be subtle, maybe you shouldn’t go there.

You can have the same problem when rounding up the end of your story. If you write this as some sort of tick box, it reads a bit crap. Don’t get me wrong, you need to be aware of that tick box and in whatever way (subtlety helps again) you can’t leave anything untouched but if you finish off your story in a couple of paragraphs with each sentence answering a plot-line, you probably haven’t got any balance and again it reads a bit shit.

But there was no mistaking the perfect balance in these stories!

…Another 1970’s DJ segue!!!

We had two new writers who we welcome and we had three well established friends of the site.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up was the legend, Mr Tom Sheehan. Nothing else needs to be said.

‘Broomstick Cowboy’ was Tom’s one hundred and seventy seventh story for us.

‘A bit different from a lot like this.’

‘Very enjoyable.’

‘There are touches of Upton Sinclair’s, ‘The Jungle.’

On Tuesday we had our first new writer, Emil Birchman with ‘Abyss‘.

‘Lots of layers and well written.’

‘Her reactions to a weird humiliation seems proper.’

‘Not a cheery read, but very well done.’

Fred Foote has graced this site for many a year. This week he reached the amazing number of seventy five stories.

‘Clovis Clayton Holiday‘ broke the back of the week.

‘Another effective oddity from Mr Foote.’

‘The repetition of the cat was excellent.’

Our second new writer was next up.

Enyi Nnabuihe’s first story for us was ‘Lives End Where Two Roads Meet.’

‘This gives a penetrating look at an entirely different world.’

‘Haunting and disturbing.’

‘The content is so strong.’

And we finished off with Tony Osgood. This is the seventh time that he has graced the site.

‘Mother Dog‘ completed the week.

‘Well presented and honest.’

‘Quite brilliant but a rough read.’

‘There is a threat from very early on.’

That’s another week over and a new one will just be about to begin.

Remember a thumbs up is a private affair between two people. A comment is a public statement. We want the public statements so please comment.

Not to is pish.

And there have been so many writers who have been nominated for a re-run but the nominators are few and far between so please get involved.

I still don’t understand how you all have a chance to see more of your words in print and you don’t take up on it. Send us in your spiel or introduction for an older story that you’ve enjoyed and we will publish your exact words. Throw in a few questions for the writer. They normally answer them.

See above to see what not to is!

Just a couple of questions for anyone who is interested.

1. What do you call a degenerate, lying bastard with all the scruples of a psychotic scorpion?

2. What do you call eleven degenerate, lying bastards with all the scruples of a psychotic scorpion?

Answers :

1. – Our outgoing prime minister (The out of touch, mad shagging, pervo employing fuckwit.)

2. – Those who supported the out of touch, mad shagging, pervo employing fuckwit and are now wishing to follow in his footsteps. (The footsteps that they followed for far too long.)

Hugh

To be fair, I feel sorry for whoever takes over at number ten. It will take them weeks of hoovering to get that fucking stupid hair off of the couch.