One more drink.
I need a clear head to stop me doing what I really want.
I have a list of names and I want to type up some misfortune beside each of them.
But I’ve not done that yet.
I wanted to think them some bad thoughts but I decided not to do that as it would all come true.
So I wondered about typing it?
I’ve looked at those names every night for the last year.
Tonight is the anniversary of when I wrote them.
I don’t know if that means anything.
But it must as I am doing this.
One year on and I haven’t added any more names. That says something that I don’t want to think on.
I consider their death, loss of earnings, of possessions, of loved ones and I wonder about writing a few specific sentences by each of those twenty seven names.
It would have been twenty eight but that one is off the list. I’ll keep something specific and special for him.
In the dark corners of my mind I know what I would do to who but I can’t allow myself to focus on that as it may come true.
If I type it, it will.
I need to be sure this is what I want.
I’ve never been jealous. I always managed to smile and wish everyone well.
There is no way that I’d swap lives with any of them. I wouldn’t do that to anyone.
That is more for me than consideration for them.
Not so much swap or remove I want something…more.
I’ve decided that.
I would just change. To alleviate my conscience, I wouldn’t swap their good fortune for my bad. I would just want them to taste something that they’ve done to others.
Let them see that life isn’t what you make it.
Only the successful say that.
Life is more about what is given.
It has given me nothing but struggle.
I was a generous person and would share anything. The problem was I ended up with nothing to share.
Except my bitterness.
Maybe it’s time to pass that on.
All I need to do is start typing beside their names.
Up until the last couple of months, guilt kept me in check.
But things change.
Guilt got up and left.
Now, it’s not an issue.
For every bad thing that’s happened to me, I could pass that experience on.
The lessons to be learnt aren’t that bad and as the saying goes, ‘What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.’
I’m very strong. Stronger than those on my list.
I pride myself on my ability to survive and adapt to whatever that survival requires.
They need to learn.
They need to feel.
But I can’t kill.
Well, that’s not strictly true.
Especially when some of them deserve to die.
I won’t kill.
Although I’m not sure that I can trust myself completely.
After-all, they wouldn’t be here to experience what I have in store for them.
For each person I will write the same thing.
It won’t be the R.I.P. that they deserve.
Against their names I will type one word.