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Week 255 – Religious Aardvarks, Artichokes And Toasting Toasts

Well hello there Chinas!! (A nod to Rikki Fulton. He always deserves a mention at this time of year.)

Here we are at the first Saturday posting of 2020 with Week 255.

It’s great to be back.

All the best to all of you for the coming year.

Both me and Diane behaved ourselves over the festivities but unfortunately we had to arrange some bail for Nik.

He had an unfortunate incident with a Twin-Tub and an Aardvark.

According to Alexa, who is a cow I might add, and married to some guy from Wikipedia, Aardvarks are native to Africa so we were happy to find out that Nik wasn’t flouting any import laws but seemingly you can’t let an Aardvark drive a car whilst you are operating a Twin-Tub powered by a bicycle generator.

We happily bailed him out, it cost us fourteen AA batteries. South Africa is always looking for some electricity.

Nik states that he was doing some research for a Science Fiction / Christian / Cross Species / Romance mash up. Seemingly Alan (the Aardvark) falls in love with a Scientology Twin-Tub before finding Jesus some time in the future.

Alan was suspiciously quiet as he read his bible.

Nik told us he’d been thinking of the vegan market and replacing Alan with an artichoke as that is the vegetable equivalent of an Aardvark.

We cooked some bacon and steak and ribs and duck and poussin and black pudding and haggis to sizzle that idea right out of him. Sadly Alan accidentally ended up on the fryer just after he tried to convert me.

But there was a happy ending as we had a very tasty New Year’s Dinner.

Anyhow, talking about Nik, he asked me something this week that gave me my inspiration and the first of the year’s reader participation question…

Toasts – This is the time of the year for toasts.

I have three which I use. The first is pretty obvious on what it means:

‘Thank fuck that is over, but what the fuck will next year bring’

The second however is a bit more obscure:

‘Here’s to Reggie Perrin and The Girl In The Fuck Me Coat’

That’s all about a wish to simply disappear and start again somewhere no-one knows you tied in with preconceptions and you are never as transparent as others think you to be.

(‘The Fall And Rise Of Reggie Perrin’ was an old 1970’s comedy staring Leonard Rossiter with the premise of him disappearing and starting again.

‘The Girl In The Fuck Me Coat’ was a short film about a naked woman who wore a see through raincoat – The narrator assumed so much about her because she was naked and he was very wrong.)

My third toast is only between me and Gwen and we use this when we are both a bit down and that is:

‘Tae Fuck’

‘Fuck’ was our cat of nineteen years and when we have nothing good to toast, we toast the wee freak.

Another toast that I love is an old Irish one:

‘May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you are dead.’

So with all this in mind, I was wondering if any of you reading this have any specific toasts and the history behind them??

 

Okay, onto this weeks stories.

We had one new writer and four old friends for your reading pleasure.

The topics this week included; Book shortage, a beginning, face value, a gateway and a possible fabrication.

As always our initial comments follow.

 

First up was the industrious and multi-talented Adam Kluger with ‘JRW4‘ which was published on Monday.

‘His looking back was authentic.’

‘I enjoy how Adam introduces one character but effortlessly focuses on another.’

‘Daft, outrageous and it kept me hooked!’

 

Michael Grant Smith added to his back catalogue of interesting work with ‘The Map Beneath‘.

This was published on Tuesday.

‘Good idea and I enjoyed the delivery.’

‘The OTT aspect of the MC was very well done.’

‘There is quite a bit of originality throughout this piece of accomplished storytelling.’

 

And it wouldn’t be the start of the New Year without Tom Sheehan. We hope that you enjoyed his five stories over the break.

The Roomer‘ is his first of 2020.

‘She didn’t judge, she went with her gut.’

‘An interesting mix of darkness and light.’

‘No matter what you think, you get the feeling that the future will be bright for them.’

 

It was the turn of DC Diamondopolous on Thursday with ‘1984‘.

‘We need to recognise those poor souls who didn’t make it through those times.’

‘The last image is very strong.’

‘The times and those attitudes are brilliantly portrayed.’

 

And we finished off on Friday with our new writer.

We welcome Andrew Campbell, hope he has fun on the site and as always, we look forward to reading more of his work.

Cracked And Broken‘ was our last story of the week.

‘Very sad. The MC is in deep trouble.’

‘His own issues were his main problems.’

‘He was treated quite gently but he needed other help.’

 

As always, our usual reminders.

Please keep the comments coming, they are such a big part of the site.

We have noticed a few new folks commenting, thanks so much. Hope to see more from you Parker!

And the Sunday Re-Run, why not have a go.

All you need to do is pick an older story that you’ve enjoyed and either write a spiel or an introduction. Throw in a few questions for the writer and we will publish what you send us.

 

 

To finish we have an announcement for those who don’t read.

This is as pointless as Weinstein’s zimmer – That prick has been on the wrong side of the camera as that performance is worth a nomination.

Sorry, off on a tangent.

We’ve had so many initial shit discourteous submissions that we’ve decided that these will now end up in our rejection pile.

For five years now, we have read every new submission but no more. There have even been times when we’ve asked folks to re-send as per our instructions and they still don’t bother their arse.

If you are a new writer, please look at the guidelines and follow them. If you don’t, your work won’t be considered.

We’ve added this to our submission statement and we will ironically state that the submission guidelines will explain why they were refused if they ask for feedback.

 

Hugh

 

PS- I haven’t a Scooby why I capitalised Aardvark or Twin-Tub.

 

Image by Ulrike Leone from Pixabay

7 thoughts on “Week 255 – Religious Aardvarks, Artichokes And Toasting Toasts”

  1. Dear Eds.
    My name is Aardvark O ‘Twin-Tub, President of the World Guild of Discourteous Writers. I am shocked by the open disdain that this post has for members of my organization. Must I remind you that “It Takes a Village”? Yet you close the door on and marginalize and shun an estimated three fourths of the world’s (and 100% of my guild’s) population–by name “The Assholes.” I ask you, LS, have you ever known an Asshole who accepts a chiding and has a change of ways? I think not. Rest assured, we shall continue to pinch-off and submit 10,000-word pieces of shit to your site because that’s what Assholes do.
    Fecally Yours.
    A. O’Twin-Tub

    Like

    1. Dear Aardvark O’Twin-Tub,
      I am very sorry but I don’t know whether to refer to you as Mr, Mrs, Ms, Master or They.
      I appreciate you reading and acknowledging the chiding even though you are one of the three fourths, which I think you are underestimating, of the hundred percent which I totally agree with.
      Regarding your ‘It takes a village’ observation – I would like to point out that most of these villages have aid of the Christian kind so I would strongly suggest that you add a few other phrases to your 10 000 word pieces of shit (Amen / and just like Jesus / In a way / I felt a presence / A weight was lifted / You know..) and send them to those like minded sites where I can guarantee that your Arseholeness, over writing and passive preaching would be accepted.
      NB – When searching out these particular sites people make the understandable mistake of looking under ‘Oppression’, ‘Cult’, ‘Fable’ or ‘Pile Of Pish’. It is actually called what it really is – Christian Fiction.
      And if you get published you will increase your Arsehole status!!
      Hugh

      (Cheers Leila – You gave me a laugh.
      I’ve actually had a helluva problem cutting my new piece of work down to less than 50 000 words. I’m ghost writing a story called ‘Why I Don’t Want To Be A Prince.)

      Like

      1. I know this Aardvark character. “It” is actually some type of invertebrate dung bug and is of no significance.
        I say you oughta slice up that 50 K of yours and go the Saturday Special route. It wouldn’t be conceit if that became a place after the recap where “serialized” items may do their song and dance.
        Take care,
        LA

        Like

  2. I spent the New Year’s Eve playing scrabble. 300 to 300 tie game. That is a good Irish toast mentioned above, and quite a greasy combination of food. I have never made a toast except for “Cheers,” and “Onward and Upward,” so here they are again for 2020.

    Like

    1. Hi Harrison,
      Thanks for that.
      I really do like the Irish toast!
      It is weird but just a few days back I was watching an American film (Can’t remember what) and one of the characters refused to toast with water. For some reason, I thought that was solely a Scottish superstition.
      As always, it is a delight to see you around the site.
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

      Like

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