Week 215 – Annoyances, Diane’s Angry Anger And Dead New Opportunities For Lawyers.

Another week and another realisation that no matter what horror we can imagine and write about, real life is much more horrific.

To all involved in New Zealand, we send our heart felt sympathies.

So here we are at Week 215.

I wondered what I was going to go with. Our submissions over, well forever gave me some inspiration for this week.

But if the truth be told, I am writing this for Diane.

You see we all have our little annoyances. Whether it be a mature voice from a child, the word ‘stoic’, romance or being preached to by the author and not the character, these will all take a lot to save them from the rejection pile.

But Diane has a pure angry anger against talking corpses. I don’t mean Zombies although they take much professional discipline from us to stop us walking away quickly. Or a ghost like fantasy story, they may be crap but we understand.

What I mean is a whole story described as ‘General’. Lets say, we receive one of around three thousand words. We then invest time and concentration in it and it turns out that the MC is dead. These stories normally end something like:

…And everything went dark.

…I turned to dust.

…I fell into the silence.

…And I was no more.

…Death came easily.

…I accepted the dark nothingness of Death.

…And I now know that there is nothing.

These all have that one glaring error that really makes Diane seethe. And trust me there is nothing worse than a seething Diane.

And the error is:

 

HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY TELL THE STORY WHEN THEY ARE DEAD??

ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE STATING THAT THERE IS NOTHING!!!

BECAUSE IF THERE IS NOTHING, AGAIN, HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY TELL THE STORY WHEN THEY ARE DEAD AND THERE IS NOTHING??

THEY CAN’T STATE FUCK ALL.

 

That’s not exactly what Diane says, I censored it as we don’t want shut down.

Her point is fair and very logical.

Oh and don’t even mention poetic licence, that’s for poems and licences that rhyme.

The reason that I mention this is that even now, after four years and thousands of submissions, we still get regular stories with the same issue.

I’m getting a bit fly to it and have a quick look at the last couple of lines to see if we have a talkative dead person.

I mentioned Zombies earlier on and we think that they wouldn’t so much want to eat brains, they would prefer to chew your fucking ear off with their constant yapping!

So if you are a new writer reading this, a narrative from the departed isn’t a good idea.

(Unless you are James Herbert. He is dead and he wrote a very clever and quite brilliant afterlife story called ‘Nobody True)

 

OK onto this weeks stories.

We had two new authors for you, two old friends and me.

Our topics this week included; a fusing, a groping, colonising, alien humans and life balance.

As always our initial comments follow.

 

Our first new author started off the week with ‘Gleipnok Wakes.’

We welcome Steve Chatterton and hope that he has a long association with us.

‘This is a bit different and doesn’t take itself too seriously.’

‘Clever and funny.’

‘It’s more than just a bit of fun, there is a very good idea in this.’

 

On Tuesday, it was my turn to get a bit of typing done.

It always amazes me how much of a kick I still get out of writing.

I have said before that ideas are a lot slower coming to me so it is even more of a bonus when something marries together.

Thanks as always to Nik and Diane for their help and all of you who read it.

 

Next up we had Doug Hawley.

Doug has been around the site for a while and he comments regularly. We appreciate all his contributions.

And his back catalogue is worth a look. Doug has a dry wit and is genre perceptive.

La Vida Extraterrestrial‘ was published on Wednesday.

‘The thought of measuring time in urinations made me laugh.’

‘The last paragraph was excellent.’

‘The tone was brilliant. It added to the way that the story didn’t take itself too seriously.’

 

We also have Clemetine Guiol to welcome. We hope that she and Steve continue to send us their work.

Clemetine’s first story, ‘Feed‘ was next up on Thursday,

‘The silent girl was a brilliant description.’

‘The first line was inspired.’

‘I liked the ending as you were still wondering.’

 

And we finished off with another old friend of the site.

Adam Kluger had his short story ‘Always Worth That‘ published on Friday.

‘The first section is beautifully cut back to a list of relevant and perceptive statements.’

‘There is a lot of skill to structure a story this way.’

‘All I need to say is that this is very good.’

So that’s us for another week.

Please have a go at commenting.

And how about an appeal to all the readers out there. You don’t need to be a writer to get involved with the Sunday Re-Run feature, just say what you want to say about a story that you’ve enjoyed and we’ll do the rest.

Right, I’m off to a séance now, listening for ideas. I want to see how talkative these dead bastards really are!!

Knowing my luck I’ll get done for some sort of plagiarism. I’m quite sure there is a lawyer somewhere who would take up the complaint.

 

Hugh

Banner Image: Pixabay.com  –

I really really don’t like Zombies either – so don’t be tempted to suddenly stick a decayed arm on the end of the story and think you can get away with it that way – hehehehe  – dd

7 thoughts on “Week 215 – Annoyances, Diane’s Angry Anger And Dead New Opportunities For Lawyers.

  1. A Letter to the Editor:
    Dear Sirs and Madame,

    I take umbrage with the ugsome obliquay palpable in this morning’s editorial. I have been deceased for many anums, yet I remain loquacious in the idiom.
    I met my untimely demise during an explosion at a dictionary factory. I hurl obscure adjectives at your base canard and insensitivity directed toward the talking dead.
    Indignantly yours,
    The Ghost of Leila Allison’s Integrity

    Liked by 1 person

    • To all Sirs, Madames, Leila’s Integrity and Dust,
      I must apologise for our obvious bigotry towards the totally breathless.
      I would point out however that your past dictionary knowledge will never help when trying to contact the living through a medium as knocking seems to be the language of choice.
      Hugh

      Cheers Leila, you made my day.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No Phantasm worth her bones would shake the chandelier above a seance or drive some fool’s planchette to form mysteriously occluded mono-phrases, which, in comparison, make Tarzan come off as erudite as Winston Churchill.
        Sadly, however, a distressing percentage of the eloquent dead tend to loiter in the showers utilized by their (the deceased) gender of choice.
        Anonymously Yours,
        Ghost X

        Like

    • Hi David,
      Thanks as always.
      I always remember my old Grandfather who said never to worry about the dead as it was the living who would do you harm.
      Mind you Regan MacNeil may have something to say about that with her throaty tones!
      All the very best my friend!
      Hugh

      Like

  2. I can understand the disappointments a reader feels with an unsatisfactory or impossible ending. Writing from beyond the grave, and as a deceased narrator doesn’t work for me, unless this is crystal clear at the very very beginning. Keeping this a secret until the end, is a punch line in a terrible joke.
    Where it did work was The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. We know our narrator is dead and how. The reader wants revenge.
    Writing from beyond the grave would only work if there is a high speed Internet connection.

    Like

    • Cheers James,
      I’ve heard about ‘The Lovely Bones’ but haven’t got round to reading it.
      I totally agree about the plot from the outset, you need to know or you just get annoyed.
      Thanks as always James!!!
      Hugh

      Liked by 1 person

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