Going Through The Motions by Hugh Cron – Adult Content.

That night was still. I heard the silence of all those lost souls. I considered myself being one. I dismissed the idea very quickly and drank another gin. Straight gin was allegedly, the drink of alcoholics. Specifics for some reason outweighed quantity. The gin wasn’t really a choice, it was simply what was there.

I’d considered my next move. I laughed at that thought. That sounded as if I had a choice. I didn’t. Every fucker had an opinion on what I should do. It wasn’t a case of what I should, it was what I had to do. There is a difference that only the opinionated could argue. The desperate would just act.

Consequence wasn’t a consideration. I was fucked. At least this way, my pride would be intact. Well sort of. A sucker punch from behind isn’t the proudest of retributions. But on the other-hand, I would still be standing.

It’s the afterwards I couldn’t be fucked with. I didn’t care about the result but all the drama beforehand. I reckon that is why so many people kill themselves. All that bollocks before they lock you up. All the shit before you die. Why not just save time and miss out all that crap.

But I didn’t have the guts to do it myself. I wanted someone to do it for me. In fact I insisted on it. That is why I have followed him here. It’s perfect. They don’t fuck about. I wonder if you can still request how it’s done?

I need to get this clear in my head. If I accept it but get away with it, I’ve won a watch so to speak. If I don’t then I have made peace with it.

Am I ready? Am I able to accept? I can sit here with all the gin instigated bravado in the world but I need to be clear. Can I take the final acceptance that I will die?

I don’t want to go on. But that can just be the drama that we would all feel. Maybe it is our minds trying to kid us that we are not selfish. Maybe we want to live on, be happy and find others. Suicide would then never be about loss, it would be us not wanting to be a self-centred bastard.

I look back at these words and see every contradiction. They say that we are in turmoil. That is contradiction. I only need one revelation and that is do I want to do this? I know I should. I know I want to. But do I really not care about the consequences. According to me I don’t.

This has all been a gesture. An expensive gesture. And a pointless one at that. No fucker knows that I am here and no-one knows that he is here. In a way I’m glad. How could I have faced anyone. I suppose I could have played the ‘I remember what you said’ card. That is if they had said anything.

…I’m a lying to myself bastard.

I’ve grieved long enough.

…I’m going to pay for a whore and go home.

 

Hugh Cron

Image – Pixabay

8 thoughts on “Going Through The Motions by Hugh Cron – Adult Content.

  1. So true. Every suicidal alcoholic is saved by drink – it is the addiction that keeps them alive, a contradiction since they are just savouring and prolonging the moment to pass on the responsibility for their fate – people will say – it wasn’t his fault it was the drink that killed him. Someone will say they’ve been there, oh yea! Is there life after drink? A concept that has been peddled for years by monks who brew the tonic of life.

    Like

    • Thanks so much James.
      I reckon that only another Scotsman would understand the ideology of ‘the drink’.
      This has either been blamed or been the reason for so many actions. If we stripped it back and took away the blame, we may only be left with what we are left with. And that is a realisation of whatever is true to us!
      We are so close geographically that understanding is a given!!
      Thank you so much my friend.
      Hugh

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Leila.
      For someone of your talent to pick out and quote a line of my nonsense, I really do feel quite humble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Hugh

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s