All Stories, Humour

Crouching Feline, Hidden Lobster by Nik Eveleigh

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It begins as these things often do with a man talking to an imaginary cat. This fabulous and formidable feline is not only figmentary, but also sarcastic, cynical and prone to unprovoked bouts of profanity.

“So I’m supposed to say bollocks and the like for no reason?”

“Yes, that’s the sort of thing I expect. Now shut up and let me return to my musings.”

It begins as these things often do…

“You’ve mused that already.”

“Yes, thank you for that. Now once again shut up.”

“Just saying…”

Before this beginning there were other beginnings. Beginnings begat beginnings and so it was. Perhaps we should return…

“That’s a bit deep for someone who made up a cat isn’t it?”

“What do you mean? How dare…”

“Alright, alright, don’t piss your knickers. I’m just being what I imagine you wanted.”

“Fine. OK. Now please shut up.”

…perhaps we should return to the great architect of the universe who brought everything in to being with but a stroke of his mighty pen, who… “OK, what’s so funny?”

“Stroke of his mighty pen indeed…I guess if you’re the only architect in the universe you’d spend a great deal of time stroking your mighty pen.”

“Oh for f… Grow up will you.”

“Don’t start on me pal. I didn’t ask to be dreamed in to existence.”

…who created the earth and the stars and the moon from scattered droplets of ink…

“chortle chortle, tee-hee, fnar fnar et cetera”

“What now?”

“Stroking his mighty pen and then some ‘ink’ splashes out on to the clean sheets of his universe, are you for real?”

“You are disgusting, do you know that. You make me…”

“Milky way makes a lot more sense now that’s for sure.”

“Oh for the love of… Okay, fine. I give up. What do you feel like doing?”

“We could go to the pub?”

“Yeah, why not.”

*

“Why do you always choose a table in the corner? Are you ashamed of me or something?”

“No, it’s nothing like that it’s…”

“Afraid I’ll call a twat a twat and get you in to trouble?”

“No! I’d just rather not draw attention to us, that’s all.”

“Draw attention to us?”

“Yes.”

“You’re afraid of drawing attention to an imaginary cat that no one including you can actually see?”

“Yes. And I can see you.”

“No knobface you can’t. You’ve just convinced yourself that you can.”

“Not true.”

“Fine, have it your way. What am I doing now?”

“What? Oh that’s so disgusting. Get your tongue out of there.”

“All that proves is that you’ve got a dirty mind not that you can actually see me.”

“There’s no way I can win is there?”

“Nope. Accept defeat fat boy.”

“I’m not fat!”

“Sure. Whatever. You’ve got a gland problem.”

“I have! It’s been passed down from…”

“Yes, yes from generation to generation…and where exactly is the love-to-stuff-my-fat-face-just-like-my-bloated-sack-of-a-mother gland located out of curiosity?”

“Don’t speak about my mother like that.”

“She’s a big girl, she’ll cope.”

“How dare y…”

“Settle down porky. Don’t want to draw attention to us.”

“Shut up. Just let me drink in peace.”

“Will do. Not one more word. Zipping it as we speak.”

“Thank you.”

“So getting back to the whole drawing attention thing…”

“I thought you were letting me drink in peace?”

“I did. It was quite a sip you took I have to say.”

“So kind of you to grant me such a boon.”

“Easy chuckles, I do the clever lines.”

“That’s debatable. So the attention thing…?”

“Well, do you think that sticking a saucer of scampi under the table has helped us in that regard?”

“I was discreet! And besides I thought you might be hungry.”

“You are more bat shit than a shit covered bat my friend. I’m not unappreciative but given my mostly imaginary state it’s a bit of a stretch.”

“Fine, I won’t bother nex…”

“What is scampi anyway? Isn’t it fried tuna nutsack or something?”

“It’s a lobster.”

“I can’t understand why you don’t get more action. Chicks love a guy who knows his Nephrops from his Homarus. I’m coming in to heat you know…has this pub got rooms?”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Don’t fight it sweetchunks….miaaaaoooowwwww…”

“I’m going. I can’t listen to any more of this.”

“Off you waddle then lardboy. Don’t wait up…once I’ve nailed this scampi it’s open season.”

*

And with the stars and the moons and the planets in place the great architect called for light…

“Probably skinned up a fat one to kick back after all that mighty pen stroking. Tiring work spunking a universe in to being.”

“I thought you were staying out?”

“Not so easy to do when you’re imaginary. So what happens after the architect puts a blim-hole in the fabric of the universe and calls it a sun?”

“Shut up. I’m going to sleep.”

“Aww…come on, don’t go to sleep! We’re having so much fun! If you drop off I’ll have no one to…seriously? Snoring already? Bollocks to you then. I’m off to spray your curtains. You’re gonna love that extra scampi piquancy…”

© 2014 Nik Eveleigh

15 thoughts on “Crouching Feline, Hidden Lobster by Nik Eveleigh”

  1. Nik, I reckon that if I’d seen Crouching Bollocks, Hidden Vulva or read/seen Life of Pi then I’d know what you were getting at here. All the same, It read smoothly and was nicely laced with amusing insults!

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    1. I saw the crouching hiding thing many years ago and Life of Pi has bypassed me in all forms. Any brushes with reality and/or movies/books was purely accidental and the work of a rogue cat who may or may not exist! Thanks for the read and the comment Richard – this was a lot of fun to write and I’m glad it was a smooth, insulting ride 🙂 Cheers, Nik

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  2. Hi Nik, there was so much about this that I loved and could relate to as having been kept by one of those little freaks for over nineteen years. I mentioned before when you put a few of your stories up that you were the easiest writer for me to choose from. That is simply because I have enjoyed everything that I have read from you. You are adaptable and have a lot of variation and imagination coming from your pen. This is a wonderful example of your work and I do believe that anyone who reads this would seek out some more of your stories!!
    Hugh

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    1. Whatever I’m paying you Mr Cron it isn’t enough! But seriously…thanks for your support and kind words, means a lot and I’m very glad you could relate to the madness of cats. Some new work soon I promise…! Cheers, Nik

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    1. Haha! Thanks June! Glad you are enjoying the pictures – I can confirm the cat pictured is our new kitten Loki, the hidden lobster is a product of clipart and me messing around on the computer. Thanks for reading and commenting – appreciated. Cheers, Nik

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  3. Hi Hik, this made me laugh, but not in the corner of my pub where you would get strange looks. So is life in this stories universe really all down to the writer’s own imagination? A cat’s tale that confronts creationism and explains why cats are so prominent around humans. Mind you I have now learned where I went wrong when trying to seduce the lady bus driver, I just can’t tell my lobsters apart. Fun read, James.

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    1. Ah James you haven’t lived until you’ve laughed out loud in a corner of a pub drawing strange looks…explains why I mostly stay at home! Hope your new found lobster knowledge will stand you in good stead for future endeavours 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting – great to know it made you laugh, makes me glad I wrote it. Cheers, Nik

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  4. I thought for sure I had already commented on this, sorry mate. Hopefully, you know how funny I think you are.Always good with a laugh and this one certainly did the trick.

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  5. OMG … that’s not an imaginary cat …. I’m certain this is my cat Nik! LOL! This is hilarious … if there was an imaginary talking cat … I’m sure this is exactly the sort of attitude it would have! Love it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re never alone with an invisible friend. It’s a very symbiotic relationship. That is a viable explanation for the creation of the Universe, well, as viable as any. I have also learned what a blim hole is.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d forgotten about that line so much that I almost had to re-educate myself 🙂 Thanks for the read and the comment Harrison – I’m glad you agree that it’s a perfectly reasonable explanation of how it all began!

      Like

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